the heartbreak of perfectionism in young adults

A 2017 American Psychological Association 'Psychological Bulletin' entitled, "Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016," showed perfectionism among college students in the US, Canada and the UK has increased in three ways during the last three decades: 

• Socially prescribed perfectionism ("Individuals believe their social context is excessively demanding, that others judge them harshly, and that they must display perfection to secure approval.") 
• Other-oriented perfectionism ("Individuals impose unrealistic standards on those around them and evaluate others critically.") 
• Self-oriented perfectionism ("Individuals attach irrational importance to being perfect, hold unrealistic expectations of themselves, and are punitive in their self-evaluations.)

The Bulletin goes on to show how this increase has taken a parallel toll on young people’s sense of worthiness. As a mother of two college-aged women, this is alarming for three critical reasons:

1. It means it is getting more difficult for young people to see themselves as worthy of their goals and aspirations, let alone the love and respect of their fellow human beings, just by being who they are. 
2. It means that if this toll is being taken at such a young age then this will impact society for the future as these young people become parents of the next generation, as well as leaders of teams, communities and organizations. Because, if you don't have a foundation of self-worth as a young adult, it is only more difficult to develop as you enter full adulthood and take on increased responsibility.
3. And in a world that seems to be falling down around us in real-time, the added pressure of societal constraints that have caused this increase in perfectionism will only serve to further destruct. What is needed to lift us out of this state of chaos is more love, respect and support of our fellow human beings. 

So, what can we do about this?  

As the parents and leaders of today, I believe it is incumbent upon us to examine what led to this increase in perfectionism, what this will mean for the future of society, and then do everything we can to effect change. Because these increases are playing out in such physically and emotionally destructive ways. Let's examine the impact of each form of perfectionism individually: 

Self-oriented Perfectionism: According to the Bulletin, ‘self-oriented perfectionism’ “shows up” as tying one’s sense of worthiness, “to achievement, and being unable to derive a lasting sense of satisfaction from one’s accomplishment.” So, on a day of great accomplishment the individual feels worthy of their success, but as time goes on those feelings lessen if there are no new achievements.  
 
Who can keep up such a pace? Unless the bar for 'achievement' is set very low by the individual, only mythical figures and fictional superheroes. This means, for those with this type of perfectionism, most of their time is spent feeling unworthy, even if they appear to family, friends, colleagues and the outside world to be highly accomplished and successful and to have every reason for happiness.  

Sadly, the Bulletin goes on to say that self-oriented perfectionism is associated with clinical depression, anorexia nervosa, elevated blood pressure and 'illbeing in response to life stress and failure.' It is also positively correlated with suicide ideation and early death. 

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: In the case of ‘socially prescribed perfectionism,’ “Perceived expectations of others are experienced as excessive, uncontrollable, and unfair, making failure experiences and negative emotional states common.” As a result of these common feelings of failure, “This dimension of perfectionism to be positively associated with major psychopathology, e.g., anxiety, depressive symptoms, and suicide ideation." 

Not surprisingly, the study shows that social media has everything to do with this: “Studies indicate that exposure to others’ perfect self-representations within social media can intensify one’s own body image concerns and sense of social alienation. Other data suggests that young people are struggling to cope with a visual culture which emphases unrealistic body ideals. The most recent cohort data from the United States and the United Kingdom show that incidence of body dysmorphia and eating disorders has risen by approximately 30% among late adolescent girls since the advent of social media. In the same countries, increasing numbers of young people are turning to plastic surgery and its promise of bodily perfection.” 
 
If young people feel socially alienated and are increasingly unable to love their divinely-given body, it is easy to extrapolate what this may mean for their ability to love others and to have healthy relationships in their future. We all know that loving ourselves unconditionally is the foundation for loving others in the same way. If perfectionism is preventing young people from establishing a healthy sense of self-worth, then it will be very difficult to nurture strong relationships in the future based on unconditionally love, respect and acceptance. The impact of this on society at large could be dramatic. 

Other-oriented Perfectionism: In this form, others “Fall short of the perfectionist’s expectations. They are blamed and criticized and otherwise treated with hostility and disdain.” So, let's play this out. A college student is exceptionally hard on themselves to begin with and then sees images on social media and throughout society that further encourage feelings of unworthiness. It's not a stretch to imagine how this leads to the third form of perfectionism, where this individual now begins to judge others as harshly as they judge themselves. This is critically important. Imagine a world where young people are developing a keen habit of judging others before they are even out in the world as independent adults. 
 
Sadly, what we have just played out is what studies bear out: "Early studies among college students linked other-oriented perfectionism with socially antagonistic characteristics such as higher vindictiveness, hostility, and the tendency to blame others, in addition to lower altruism, compliance, and trust." What this says to me is, immersed in the process of judging themselves unworthy of all their heart desires, young people will react by judging others unworthy as well, and will take their frustrations out in ways that are unhealthy to the individual and to society. Just imagine a business world where future generations come in with vindictiveness, hostility, disdain and a low level of trust for their colleagues, and where they are less altruistic in the way they live their lives. We can imagine what will this mean for the organizations they build.
 
The impact of perfectionism is heartbreaking. As a mom and speaker whose passion is helping young people succeed, I want to help change this trajectory. To do so, it is necessary to understand the genesis, the root of perfectionism that enables it to take hold. 

The genesis: 
According to the Bulletin, researchers "View the development of perfectionism to be underpinned by asynchrony, or mismatch, between attachment needs of belonging and self-esteem and responses to those needs.” Essentially, what the studies show is a recognition of what we all learn from ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs,’ that the need for belonging is essential in our closest relationships and immediate community, as is a sense of self-esteem, the underpinning of which is worthiness. If what we need from others as we develop from infants to children to adolescents to adults is not what we receive, then we create a coping mechanism. Per the Bulletin, “The need to be perfect, or appear perfect, is a strategy that is adopted to compensate for, repair and protect a damaged sense of self-worth through obtaining the approval of others." 
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So, is there a correlation between perfectionism and unworthiness? Yes, starkly so. Changing this will require us as parents, siblings, peers, romantic partners and leaders within society to recognize and respond to the need for belonging and self-esteem in the young people of the world. It's not difficult, it just takes basic human responses of respect, listening to understand, letting others know that they are seen and wanted in our social groups and organizations, and love. It will take all of us to love more. 
 
This is not difficult. Respect, listening, acknowledgment, acceptance and love are all part of what makes us authentically human. And the beautiful added benefit is that in fulfilling the real needs of others, we can bring love and joy more deeply into our own lives.  Let's be the example for future generations. 
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Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138.
Photo by Elijah O'Donnell on Unsplash